meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My vagina just recognized that song.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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