Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
