I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My dick has a subreddit
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
