what day is it and did you see me today?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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