I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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