the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
