he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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