I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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