I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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