So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
