mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
