Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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