Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
