Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
