I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
