The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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