I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
