I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
