she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
