he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
