I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
