So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
