i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Randomize
