I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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