well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Floor bacon is actually really good
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
