I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
