Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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