I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
