a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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