He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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