I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
