i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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