I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
