I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
