I think I died a long time ago.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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