Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
