So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
farters have to be the big spoon...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
