How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think I have vodka in my lungs
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Randomize
