Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
