I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
