grandma shit on top of the toilet
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
