ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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