why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
