she was so not down for the gang bang
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
