They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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