Kiss
Puke
actually, I'm a sock model
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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