u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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