my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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