god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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