Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
