My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
