In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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