Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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